Most things that I write here are usually things that
represent what I like. But the answer to the question as to who I am, that is
different. I don’t always like to write about my personal life because it’s too
much of a time to think of what I really want to say and it can come up to
writing an essay. Well, today’s post will be a bit of my life. About this week,
in particular.
I’ve fallen sick again with the common symptoms like
runny nose, and cough with phlegm. There was the underlying problem with the
lock jaw, this happens to the right side of my jaw. It has happened before but I
do not recall how long this problem has persisted. The last time I faced the
locked jaw was during the karaoke session during my birthday as well. No one
seemed to notice I had trouble trying to sing, so I guess I let it slide. I
like the phrase “Let it slide”, it’s like to say no one will notice and you
just push the problem further and further. Trying to get it away. As far as I
can see, the problem is still there and not disappearing any time soon.
Then it was the numbness in my left hand. It’s only
happening to me since the start of yesterday in my last two fingers. The pinky
finger and the one next to it. I’m not sure about other people, but in general
most people would feel as afraid to go to the doctor for a check-up. I know I am.
Over-thinking and assuming you have contracted an incurable disease or an
illness that can only be maintained by taking a life-long dosage of medication.
It sounds very exaggerating, I know. But growing up and having seen your parent
take medication every single day of their life. It’s just how it is now. Once
you start you can’t stop taking those medicines, unless you want to drop out of
life.
I should say safely, it started a couple of months back
when things were starting to get hectic at work and at home was just the same
humdrum. I want to self-diagnose myself with depression but on the same hand I would
be totally off track and lose the definition of depression. But I would say
gathering from my thoughts and speech, I would be slightly depressed. Slightly more
than usual. Like that imaginary raincloud over my head is thickening and
getting darker each day. Please don’t burst!! I hate balloons/water balloons
bursting.
It’s funny hearing people comment that since I’m
practicing a religion I shouldn’t be so sullen. But this *depression (anxiety,
sadness, worry, etc. feelings) they don’t choose who to harm. So does it mean
if I don’t have a faith I am very most entitled to be sullen? Put it another
way, I could choose not to let it get to me. But I haven’t told you before
this; I’m not a very strong person. Mentally and physically still struggling
daily. This would probably only answer a bit of why I haven’t got my act
together or why I have not found something to be passionate about as some
people would like to put it.
It’s true I don’t have much achievements to be proud of
and to say to date where I’ve come to it’s been a long time. Time passes and
things have changed. I will try my best for my team at work and try my best to
be a filial child. But I’m still a kid when it comes to taking care of myself. In
that way I’m most disappointed and angry at myself. I think I have thought of
things that are taken out of context a lot and that makes my mind go all wonky.
Like what is the real facts and what is imaginary, sometimes I can’t quite make
out. I guess I can understand a little how it is to be mentally unstable.
I honestly like to ask people around questions that make them feel uncomfortable. I don't really know why. And it tends to be that they start to avoid talking about personal questions to me because it goes downhill sometimes and ends up becoming awkward. That's why I say I don't have many friends.
Or I would like to say, every one has given a part of themselves to different friends. So each one of us knows a certain part of a friend but not the whole person. It's difficult and complicated isn't it.
Today's post is really very heavy. I won't be posting again till my next off day so by then i hope things improve.